Since you get annoyed with "helpful asshole B" (which I think is much better then just plain "mean asshole B") when I repeatedly tell you something a few times, I thought I'd let you decide which B you'd prefer.
Which B would be the most successful in getting you to do something that is important and can make your life easier?
Pick an asshole B:
1) Calm, polite and repetitive asshole B: The one that I do now. I politely and sometime apologetically suggest that you do things and repeat them not because I think you are retarded but because it's a way to communicate it's importance. Sometimes it's important to repeat things because if I don't repeat them you can't see that it's important. It can sound like a broken record but I am only repeating it so you may actually "hear" me. I do "ACTUALLY" know something, sometimes. Notice how I used actually? Calmness and repeating what needs to be done is usually the most successful way to get something done.
2) Quiet don't warn you of potential danger asshole B: I ignore that you are having trouble with something and don't tell you how to fix it. I let you keep having trouble with something and I never tell you that I can make your life easier or save you time. I do use this B every once in a while when I don't really want to spend my time fixing someone else's problem. I usually use this tactic for people I don't know or people on the street.
3) Yelling, loud, and belittling B. I could just yell at you to do something and be really loud. I could tell you that you are a "retard" and that you are stupid and keep yelling until you do what I am trying to get you to do. I think secretly you respond to this because your Dad yelled at you a little when you were young and you know when you hear yelling that you better get it done. I don't yell well and I've never been successful in communicating while I'm yelling.
I don't think you're retarded or dumb and I don't know how you come to that conclusion. I'm not being snooty or playing games when I suggest something. I try to be calm, firm, and repetitive to communicate effectively. Notice how I'm even repeating that from earlier in the email? After all these years haven't you figured out that I'm not putting on a show or doing shtick? It's just how I am. I don't belittle and try to never be cruel to people. I do like to tease a little but it's never vicious or hurtful. I don't bully people. I don't threaten people. You live a million miles away and I'm not trying to get anything from you and I'm still the same guy. I don't have any ulterior motives. It's just the way I am and how I try to be helpful and beneficial to a friend.
I do the same thing with Andy, Marc, and my Mom. I calmly tell them how to solve their problem, offer help, and keep repeating until they hear me... and it's been much more successful then yelling or not saying anything at all.
So if you want to eliminate some of your computer problems the first thing to do is to do all the updates. They are important and can download in the background. If you are turning off and turning on your computer you need to update. It's analogous to "tuning up your car" and maintenance like oil changes, etc... An update is when they've found problems with the OS (operating system) or programs (like iTunes or Safari) that either cause a computer to stall or crash... or even a security problem. So when you are updating you are getting the latest version and most smoothly running version of the programs. Since Apple stuff is all "apple made" it's really super easy to do updates. It's a standard thing in using a computer. Apple makes it really easy so just do it, you retard! LOL Get all the updates... even if you don't know what they mean.
I liked your cookie story and want to be updated when you come up with a name. I think after four years that you're welcome to "rename" the cookie. Rudolph's Balls? Rudolph's poop balls? Snowman's Balls?
I just heard Huey Lewis' "The Power of Love" from Back to the Future and tried to think of other great 80s movies. Here's a list my favorites. I'm sure they're all available on DVD.
